Movie Shorts

I am very fond of The Lord of the Rings film trilogy. The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe is somewhat flawed, but still worthwhile. The Harry Potter films I can't stand; and don't even get me started on The da Vinci Code...

However, since it now appears that Hollywood has lost any capacity for originality and is strip-mining literature, not just for movie adaptions but endless sequels, here, for your amusement, are the titles I'd love to see Hollywood dare to turn into movies:

1. The Dorkhead's Code

In this riveting thriller, our hero, a lovelorn professor of Obscurely Idiotic Disciplines That Don't Actually Exist In Reality, is suddenly thrust into the heart of a globe-spanning conspiracy when he stumbles across a horrifying secret: Porpoise Day, a sinister organisation of immensely wealthy greenies, plans to destroy the world petroleum industry by activating a solar array they have secretly assembled in earth-orbit. Aided by the mysterious beauty, Ofcourseimsexy Imfrench, our hero is pursued by mad assassins, turncoat friends, and seriously inept police, as he races against time to destroy the evil dream of endless, cheap energy. Will our hero be able to keep his mind (and hands) off the Gallic Goddess long enough to figure out the bafflingly simple code left by Porpoise Day's latest victim? Will the appallingly bad dialogue and clunky plot twists foil his increasingly frantic attempts to escape from ever more unbelievable close shaves? And who is the Clouseauesque butler-cum-chauffeur who inserts himself into the plot about three-quarters of the way into the story?

2. The Whore of the Bling

An epic saga sweeping across a land of soaring mountains, deep forests, and wide plains (Noo Zulund), it tells the story of Biffo, a humble Widgit, who unwittingly possesses an amulet of immense power: the One Bling, a tinfoil wrapped bangle worth about NZ50c (that is, more than Noo Zulund's entire GDP). Aided by his fellow Widgits - Smallpox, Manicdepressive, and Pillpopper - Biffo sets out on a long quest: to destroy the One Bling once and for all by casting it into the Cracks of Bottom in far-off Makeup, the Land of Extremely Ugly Latex Folk. Along the way, the Widgits encounter the evil servants of Soupkitchen, the Camp (and surprisingly ineffective) Whore of the Bling; the ethereal Lord Enema and Lady Gladhandler, rulers of the Very Camp (and equally ineffective) Elves; and the mysterious stranger Arsingabout and his elfin lover, Analretentive. Will Biffo survive these dangers (and various homoerotic encounters with Smallpox) to destroy the One Bling? Will Manicdepressive and Pillpopper come down from the drug induced high (courtesy of some elvin "bikkies") that had them talking to trees? And why didn't Biffo just throw the One Bling into the recycling bin with the rest of the trash for collection on Tuesday?

3. The Dame, the Prat, and the Scarecrow

This enchanting tale tells the story of four gormless kiddies who are magically transported to a wondrous land of make-believe when they stumble across their grandfather's secret store of fine single-malt scotch. But things go terribly wrong when one of the children, Prat, meets the Dame (otherwise known as Anemia), a cruel sorcoress who has enslaved the land of Narcolepsy by covering it in her excess dandruff. Feeling the "munchies" from his alcohol-induced stupor, Prat sells out to the Dame in return for some Turkish Delight - for Anemia has heard a prophesy that her rule shall end when four spoiled brats with impossibly plumb accents appear to lead the resistence. Betrayed by the Prat, things look grim for the kiddies when, out of nowhere, the Scarecrow appears: the mystical figure Ah-So, who frees them from the clutches of Anemia and teaches the Prat to be slightly less annoying (hence earning him a new name: Git). With the help of Ah-So, the kiddies fight back, leading to a catclysmic showdown with the evil Anemia. Will they win this final confrontation - or will the slight technicality of never having previously worn armour or handled weapons (aside from the fact that they are children) tell against them? Will anyone believe Ah-So's contention that it was perfectly believable for him to return from the dead on account of the fact that he's not really real? And what will happen to the kiddies when granddad finds them lying unconcious among his empty bottles of single malt?

4. Harry Pothead and the Cookie of Hash

Harry Pothead has an unhappy life: not only is he a do-gooding tell-tale who's despised by staff and students alike at the co-ed boarding school he attends, his every attempt to score a date ends with a knee in the cods. All this changes when Harry mistakenly catches a train that takes him to Hogwash, a school for wizards. There he meets the grave Dumbascrud, his new teacher, and two other exiles from the world of disaffected youth: the spotty-faced Ron Scotnomates and the uppity Hermione Chastitybelt. Dumbascrud reveals a terrible secret: the evil Lord Vilebreath has captured the mystical Cookie of Hash, famed for its powers over human emotions. Unless Vilebreath can be stopped, Dumbascrud fears he'll corner the market for mind-altering after-dinner mints. Acting under Dumbascrud's tutelage, Harry, Ron, and Hermoine challenge Vilebreath to a game of Squeamish, a magical duel in which vast quantities of narcotic substances are consumed, and the first person who screams "Ahhhh! Spiders! Get them off me! Get them off me!" loses. At stake: the Cookie of Hash and the comemrcial rights to the recreational drug market of Western Europe. Will Harry triumph - or will he be foiled by his obsession with inventing a protective codpiece that also makes him look well-hung? Will Ron and Hermione discover true love - and will Harry be allowed to watch? Will Alan Rickman avoid being typecast yet again as a scheming, black-clad villian?

I await the phone calls from Hollywood producers (and the royalty cheques) in due course.

Talk to you soon,

BB

Quote for the Day: Ah, sweet pity - where would my love life be without it? (Homer Simpson)